thoughts.

day sixty-three.

2011-03-12T10:32:00.000-08:00

you tickled me with the pure rarity of love. caught me in its embrace and swallowed me up. i can feel it rushing through the cracks in the tiles, and oozing through the slits of the closed doors and shut shutters. it seeps through everything and wraps its smoky claws around my waist, holding me.
those eyes so hard to read, deep and dark and empty. an abyss. so many secrets. but none. the waters of your iris rest upon mine and i am lost. safe in the wild embrace you lent me. don't ever let go, for i will break. i will shatter and scream and wail into the existence of nothing without you.
i need you to help me breathe, for my ribcage is crumpled. my lungs making room for the bulging force making its way through me, melting through my bones and occupying itself in my heart. my brain. my stomach.
coldness doesn't live here, there's no such thing as ice; except for the chilled blood in my fingers. moving slowly. congested like the traffic jam, where we sat on the backseat and the warmth of your smile reverberated throughout the enclosed space. resting on my shoulder and making a nest in the dips of my collar bones. you consumed me. and the beauty of it all is how wonderful it is.

day sixty-two.

2011-03-06T10:52:00.001-08:00

ahhhh, happiness :3

day sixty-one.

2011-03-06T09:13:00.000-08:00

it terrifies me that you might lose interest in me, that i'll get boring and you'll have more fun being with someone else.
and it's not because i don't trust you, but because that's the kind of person i've been led to believe i am. boring.
so i try so hard to keep your interest. and sometimes i believe it myself. it's not a lie. and i'm sorry if i seem over the top. but it's all in good reason, because if you lose interest, i lose you. and breaking my heart is something you said you wouldn't do.
if i had my way, i'd be with you forever.
and then i think about it; how nothing lasts forever, and think how its such bullshit. what's the point of living if you have that kind of perspective on life: nothing lasts forever. if you thought like that, then you wouldn't love anything, and without loving you're not living.
and i'm living for you.
and you are my life.
my love.

day sixty.

2011-02-27T06:06:00.000-08:00

A: I don't know why you don't think you're beautiful.
B: It's because I'm not.
A: You are so beautiful.

day fifty-nine.

2011-02-27T06:05:00.000-08:00

-Silence.

B: What? What are you thinking?
A: I.. really love you.
B: I love you too.

day fifty-eight.

2011-02-24T10:31:00.001-08:00

everything's happenin' so fast.
literally.

time seems to zoom past me like a train, a train i want to catch but it forgets to stop, forgets to slow down so that i can jump on board.
if only i could catch this train, then i wouldn't be behind. i'd be on track and heading where i want to be going.
it's not like i'm unhappy, in fact i'm far from it. i've not been so happy in such a long time.
but time is getting ahead of me and the work is piling up. time is ticking. and i'm almost oblivious.

day fifty-seven.

2011-02-03T08:39:00.001-08:00

he told me he loved me today
and not via text messaging or msn or skype
but to my face

he's just too cute
and i love him too

<3

day fifty-six.

2011-01-24T10:06:00.000-08:00

i'm just so so happy.
and i needed to document it, because it's not often i feel this great.
i love my friends and my boyfriend and my family.
i love life right now.
i dont want this feeling to stop.

it's so fucking awesome, takes my mind off the fact that i have a test tomorrow, that i have a headache and aaah. i'm just so happy. this post is crappy but i dont even care!

;D

day fifty-five.

2011-01-24T09:17:00.001-08:00

i'm more scared that he'll get bored of me than anything else...

day fifty-four.

2011-01-20T11:07:00.000-08:00

it feels like i'm constantly wasting time.
like i don't have the energy, my willpower has shrunk to an insignificant speck of dust. and i hate it.
i want to feel interested in my work and hobbies. but i'm not.
and argh. ARGH. alangkndfglkndg.

day fifty-three.

2011-01-18T09:12:00.001-08:00

i don't want to cry.
stop it.

day fifty-two.

2011-01-17T07:09:00.000-08:00

never have i felt this way about anyone.
i cant even control it anymore.
and i'm so damn happy.
because you're mine and i'm yours.

you make me feel wonderful.

day fifty-one.

2011-01-17T07:03:00.001-08:00

sometimes i think i have problems.
my moods can change so quickly.
and i don't know why.

sometimes its a good thing,
helps me overcome some obstacles and move on with life.

sometimes its worse,
you know you're the happiest you've ever been yet there's always something in your mind ruining it for you.

sometimes i feel like there's two of me.

and i have to satisfy both.

i want to kill one of them.
sometimes.

day fifty.

2011-01-17T07:01:00.000-08:00

maybe its going too fast.
maybe you'll look back on this and think how immature it all was.
maybe not.
maybe this is it.
maybe this is the best thing that has ever happened to you.
maybe you should stop questioning it and cherish it.
maybe nothing lasts forever.

day forty-nine.

2011-01-17T06:58:00.000-08:00

i need to sort this out.

i'm being stupid about this entire situation.

a levels are important, so you have to give a shit whether you want to or not.
so get your fucking shit together and motivate yourself. care. work. do it all. otherwise you'll regret it.

do you really want to be that person? a failure?
so sort yourself out. however you want to do it. just make sure you do it.

day forty-eight.

2011-01-09T11:08:00.000-08:00

stop being a fucking idiot
why are you worried
why are you jealous

so fucking what he's talking to his ex
they're still friends
she's your friend, she wouldn't fuck it up for you

so why are you being so fucking stupid
get a grip

be fucking happy
for once in your life.

day forty-seven.

2011-01-09T08:03:00.000-08:00

i'm so happy.

day forty-six.

2011-01-09T08:02:00.000-08:00

i can't stop thinking about you.
you're constantly on my mind.

i wonder if you think of me as much as i think of you?

day forty-five.

2011-01-09T08:00:00.000-08:00

i want your hand in mine. again.
i want to feel you stroke my skin. again.
i want to feel your eyes on me. again.
i want to savour that kiss.
that one kiss.
that soft, magical kiss.
i want it all again.
i want you.

day forty-four.

2011-01-09T07:59:00.000-08:00

now you're mine.
all this insanity running through my veins; eliminated by the comforting thought that i actually have you.

day forty-three.

2010-12-17T04:43:00.001-08:00

i fucking want him
i cant stop thinking of what's going to happen
i cant stop imagining being with him
kissing him
fucking him
falling asleep with him
waking up the next day and not feeling ashamed
feeling in love.

day forty-two.

2010-12-16T12:22:00.001-08:00

A: (sobbing) it's the worst thing that could happen to a thirteen year old.
B: (also sobbing) the worst fucking thing
A: but then.. something amazing happened (hears a noise outside and looks out the window) and.. here she is right now

<3

day forty-one.

2010-12-07T11:23:00.000-08:00

and the tears won't stop.

day forty.

2010-12-07T10:37:00.001-08:00

i don't even know why i'm jealous.
i don't.

why should i be?

day thirty-nine.

2010-12-07T10:34:00.000-08:00

i want to cry.
out of happiness.
sadness.
defeat.
accomplishment.
scepticism.
fear.
excitement.
feelings that contradict each other and combine to form a mass of emotions growing inside of me. i need to let it out and tears are the only method.

day thirty-eight.

2010-12-06T09:23:00.000-08:00

just.
ah.
:}

day thirty-seven.

2010-12-06T09:22:00.000-08:00

should i judge how genuine you're being

or cast aside all doubts and jump into this pool of wonder?

day thirty-six.

2010-12-06T09:20:00.000-08:00

it's all happening so fast.

i'm not used to these crazy feelings.

like, whirlpools in my stomach as i anticipate your face. your body. your presence.

day thirty-five.

2010-12-05T07:25:00.000-08:00

Eigenlijk

Ik ga zo met je praten

Dus nu is het moeilijk om mij te verstaan

Ik wil met je nu zijn

Ik wil met je slaapen

Ik wil je kussen

Ik wil je houden

day thirty-four.

2010-12-02T09:14:00.001-08:00

the only thing that's scaring me is...

this is the first time someone has truly had feelings for me, in the same way i have them.

and i don't know how to handle it.

i don't know if it's real.

day thirty-two.

2010-11-30T09:13:00.001-08:00

what is this? what are all these nerves? why do i feel sick?

i just don't understand my body.

day thirty-one.

2010-11-29T11:21:00.000-08:00

"No, i do want to hug you and kiss you and talk to you and go on dates with you."

o rly? ;D

i don't want to get my hopes up. i don't want to screw things up.

but how come you haven't done any of these things?

ugh my mind is why things get messed up.

stfu mind.

day thirty.

2010-11-29T07:39:00.000-08:00

you looked so good today. i couldn't help but stare.

and see you looking back at me.

day twenty-nine.

2010-11-28T11:49:00.001-08:00

you're so cute i want to put you in my pocket and carry you everywhere with me.

cliche. but yes.

day twenty-eight.

2010-11-27T07:49:00.000-08:00

i want to fall asleep with you next to me at night, and wake up to see you still right there next to me.

i want you to hold me in your arms and kiss me and tell me you love me.

i want a relationship so i have a reason to be with you. it's not just infatuation. it's not just lust.

at least i hope it isn't.

i hope it's more.

day twenty-seven.

2010-11-27T07:48:00.000-08:00

i'm fucking sick of all this.

you've known me six years yet you don't know me at all. so don't fucking assume you're right when really you're not. it hurts to know you think of me that way.

that's not who i am.

believe it.

i'm human.

day twenty-six.

2010-11-27T07:47:00.000-08:00

nah, don't worry about it.

i'm used to it.

day twenty-five.

2010-11-21T10:11:00.000-08:00

i just don't know.

day twenty-four.

2010-11-18T10:24:00.001-08:00

i just want to break down into tears.

but then i realise, no one cares. i don't need to make a scene.

i can suffer in silence.

with water running down my face while everyone else is soundly sleeping.

i can do that.

day twenty-three.

2010-11-17T08:05:00.000-08:00

i'm drowning in this mass of writing;

i can't breathe.

i don't know how to function.

i just don't know...

day twenty-two.

2010-11-16T08:22:00.000-08:00

fireworks night -

hugs? yes, lots of them.

..but not from the one person i wanted them from.

you.

day twenty-one.

2010-11-15T08:06:00.001-08:00

basically... everything i do... is to please you.

day twenty.

2010-11-14T07:43:00.000-08:00

a guy and a girl can just be friends, but at one point or another they will fall for eachother.

maybe temporarily.

maybe too late.

maybe at the wrong time.

or maybe forever.

day nineteen.

2010-11-11T10:43:00.001-08:00

i am beyond caring if you are beyond caring.

day eighteen.

2010-11-10T11:32:00.000-08:00

i'm scared to lose you and you're not even mine.

day seventeen.

2010-11-10T10:48:00.001-08:00

you dropped your books for me and caused a crowd. just for a hug. :3

day sixteen.

2010-11-10T07:14:00.001-08:00

i'm so. fucking. tired. of being alone.

day fifteen.

2010-11-09T10:58:00.001-08:00

i need to stop trying so damn hard.

day fourteen.

2010-11-08T09:56:00.000-08:00

the best part is...imagine the shock from everyone else if we could develop from this.

day thirteen.

2010-11-08T05:57:00.001-08:00

if everyone could see what's on my mind, they'd think i was crazy.

it's always you i'm thinking of, all the time. all day long.

i wish i wasn't.

day twelve.

2010-11-07T07:35:00.000-08:00

maybe he thinks i'm just pretending; when in fact all i speak is the truth.

day eleven.

2010-11-07T07:27:00.001-08:00

i had a chance.

i had a chance and i took it.

i took it.

day ten.

2010-11-07T04:21:00.000-08:00

ik hou van jou.

day nine.

2010-11-06T15:52:00.000-07:00

i'm jealous of the people who get to see you everyday.

day eight.

2010-11-06T13:45:00.001-07:00

i shouldn't be embarrassed for imagining me and you together. i shouldn't be reluctant to tell you that you're always on my mind. i shouldn't but i am. in case i'm wrong.

day seven.

2010-11-06T09:51:00.000-07:00

i can't decipher this.

which parts of this are real?

day six.

2010-11-06T09:10:00.000-07:00

guess what?

i want it to happen.

soon.

day five.

2010-11-06T08:15:00.000-07:00

this is my journey.

this is how it happens.

day four.

2010-11-06T08:13:00.000-07:00

dreams - the door to the mind, the expression of inner wants, the predictions of times to come.

day three.

2010-11-06T08:09:00.000-07:00

i wish something could have happened. last night was full of hope...fireworks...tension.

day two.

2010-11-05T08:15:00.000-07:00

Him: I'm thinking

Me: About?

Him: Would it be weird if I said you?

Me: Not really :}

Him: Coz I am

Me: Why's that?

Him: I'm not sure why I'm thinking of you

Me: I have the power to occupy your mind :}

Him: You do. Even when I'm playing Fallout I think of you.

Me: Dats some power

Him: Maybe my hearts telling me something

Me: Maybe

Him: I can't concerntrate. I'll just sit here and think of you then.

day one.

2010-11-04T12:20:00.000-07:00

every night i lie in bed wishing there was someone lying next to me. so i can fall asleep with the warmth of another body next to mine. so i can feel safe. so i can feel loved.